I hear some unpatriotic people are saying that one Minister forged his credentials, and that a certain Commissioner allegedly hired someone to write ICAN for her.

Please, let’s be careful with these kinds of statements. You know words travel, especially when the markets are open.

Because, in case you haven’t noticed, Nigeria is in the market.

Yes, our beloved country is currently being marketed. We just don’t know under which subheading or in what aisle of the international supermarket.

Maybe it’s beside “Emerging Economies.”
Maybe under “Discounted Democracies, Buy One, Get One Free.”

And please, remember, our national marketer is hard at work, the Baba Loja General of Nigeria, Reno Omokri.

No, not the Iyaloja General, that position is already occupied by the President’s daughter, who is currently locking horns with the Oba of Benin, whose throne might soon be declared contraband for daring federal majesty.

Her Royal Majesty may need to be reminded of another time, of Oba Ovonramwen Nogbaisi, the great king of Benin who dared the colonial masters and paid dearly for it. History repeats itself, only this time with hashtags and press releases.

Now, back to our Baba Loja General. Let’s not collect the job from his mouth, times are hard. Everyone is trying to make an honest living, including those who must now praise today’s Messiah after calling him yesterday’s Mistake.

But let’s be clear: it’s not the happenings that are demarketing Nigeria, no!
It’s the people talking about the happenings.

People are being kidnapped? Keep quiet, you’re demarketing Nigeria.

Villages are being burnt? Don’t post it, you’re demarketing Nigeria.

Someone was killed in broad daylight by a union leader? Shhh, this is bad for investor confidence.

Hospitals have no drugs?

Teachers haven’t been paid?

Food prices are rising?

Please whisper, foreign investors might be scrolling.

You see, the problem isn’t that things are bad.
The problem is that you’re talking about it.

We should learn from the Taliban. They shut down social media, and peace returned.

Nobody complains when nobody can talk.

Imagine how peaceful Nigeria would be if we all just stopped saying things out loud.

So, let’s do the right thing as patriotic citizens:

Shut down the media.

Ban Facebook and X (they’re causing too much enlightenment).

Gag the noise of truth before it disturbs the melody of propaganda.

Close our eyes, block our ears, and hum the national anthem until the economy improves by miracle.

Because the true way to build a nation is not to fix its problems, but to silence those who mention them.

I write this humbly as a patriotic Nigerian.

Please, let’s protect our good name, and a good name is better than kidnapping, killings, robbery, certificate forgery, and the rest.

It’s the only name we have left.