Child’s Rights and Discipline: The Lost Theory (10)

Opening Charge

‘The family cannot survive on only one equation when it comes to child discipline. There must be a balance of carrot and stick… Offering the carrot also appeals to the dignity of the child more than the stick. Since the number one goal of discipline is to get the child to be conscious of his/her dignity of human person, the carrot achieves that better than the stick.  I make bold to say that there is no better way to teach and entrench values and life skills in our children than offering them the carrot. Offering the carrot also sells the idea of reward for responsibility. I daresay that is how life deals with us.’

My dear friends, sure you are doing well today. I am doing great. I am here again today to unburden. I want to share with you the burden of raising a generation of children, who are complete spirit, soul and body. My joy will be complete when you come here, read, meditate on my writings, receive instructions and proceed to impact the children under your custody. Therefore I am not particular about how many people, who come, I am particular about many people, who come and thereafter became better custodian of the child. It is in this spirit that I invite you to join me today as we consider the 5th tested habit of a purposeful, disciplined and effective disciplinarian

5. Try encouragement: Carrot and stick

It is our practice in this part of the world to always reprimand and apply the stick both in harsh words and canning in the process of child discipline. A lot of times we are quick to use negative reinforcement. We believe that until the child feels pain, he/she can never learn. So we introduce the child to pain very early in life in the name discipline. Please note that blind and purposeless inflicting of pain on children does not raise a disciplined child. It only raises angry, bitter, fearful and indiscipline children.

I advise that after we have identified the mission for discipline, which as I have earlier discussed is to raise a complete child and we have communicated to the child his/her best interest as the main goal, we may go ahead and promise the carrot. By carrot I mean the reward for obedience and compliance with stated rules. Now it is impossible to promise the carrot until we first establish the rules, the values, which the rules seek to inculcate in the child and the express benefits for the child, immediate family and the society at large.

The idea of carrot creates in the child expectation of reward for obedience. This expectation also gives a clear picture to the child the expectation of the parents or custodians. This is an exchange of expectations. The custodians exchange the desire for obedience for the promise of carrot. The child exchanges his/her desire for carrot for obedience to value-oriented rules.

Offering the carrot also appeals to the dignity of the child more than the stick. Since the number one goal of discipline is to get the child to be conscious of his/her dignity of human person, the carrot achieves that better than the stick.  I make bold to say that there is no better way to teach and entrench values and life skills in our children than offering them the carrot. Offering the carrot also sells the idea of reward for responsibility. I daresay that is how life deals with us. Life has prepared rewards for our obedience to life principles and discomfort for our disrespect for universal principles of human existence.

Please note that children cannot be trained with carrot alone. I have dwelt this much on carrot because, it is a very efficacious but yet neglected tool in child discipline.

Please note that for the school system, I am not talking about yearly prize giving day in school. I am talking about a system of rewards that takes into cognisance good behaviour and an effective plan to reward same. Same way as the stick, when purposefully applied serves as deterrence to others, so is the use of the carrot serves as an encouragement for obedience.

Thus in developed countries, citizens are rewarded for good and noble efforts. There are all kinds of award for everyday citizens, who engage in noble activities. This serves as encouragement for citizens to be alive and well to their civic responsibilities, knowing that there is a system of encouragement. Please note that it is not about the nature of the award, it is about the dignity and recognition it confers on the recipients.

The family cannot survive on only one equation when it comes to discipline. There must be a balance of carrot and stick.

While the stick, I mean chastisement is not evil, I believe it should be applied with caution.

I beg to take a bow at this juncture. I hope you found your time here useful. Do stay INSPIRED.

Think the Child…Think Today…Think the Future…

POINT 2 PONDER:

‘Please note that blind and purposeless inflicting of pain on children does not raise a disciplined child. It only raises angry, bitter, fearful and indiscipline children.’

NOTE THESE:

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Child’s Rights and Discipline: The Lost Theory (9)

Opening Charge

‘It is important to note that it is the information available to a child, most importantly from our actions, determines what the child believes. His belief determines his values; his values determine his habit; his habit determines his relationships; his relationship determines his opportunities; his opportunities determine his relevance; his relevance determines his prosperity and his prosperity determines his significance.’

Hello friends. Sure you are doing well today. I took time off yesterday to reflect on the state of my nation Nigeria and its impact on our children. I thought I would be in the right frame of mind to be here but it turned out not to be so. Yesterday was a sober day. I woke up this morning praying fervently for our children and our dear nation. The odds may be against us, but I am persuaded that God is not against us.

I was about to proceed to discuss the fifth tested habits of a purposeful, disciplined and effective disciplinarian, when It dawned on me that I did not discuss what it meant to raise a complete child, which I mentioned when I discussed the third habit, set out the mission to discipline and the mission thereof. I think it is better late than never. Therefore, I crave your indulgence to reverse a bit to enable us shed light on this important question, who is a complete child?

For a developmental plan of the parents and other custodians of the life of child, including school to make sense, it must take into cognisance the fact that the child is a tripartite being with spirit, soul and body. Therefore I guess it is in a bid to develop the spiritual part of the child that subjects like Bible Knowledge and Religious Knowledge are offered from when the child is in elementary school. I also believe that a subject like Physical Education is taught in schools to encourage the right of the child to play, therefore developing his body.

Let me take some time to discuss the part of the child development rights that interests me most. I think it is important we pay attention to the development of the soul of the child. I strongly believe that the prosperity of the soul of the child is the key to the child’s personal peace. The soul is the seat of the mind, the will and the emotion. The mind is the thinking seat of man. The mind engages in thinking according to the information fed into it from the eye and ear.

Therefore a child cannot think deeper than the information available to him. It is important to note that it is the information available to a child, most importantly from our actions, determines what the child believes. His belief determines his values; his values determine his habit; his habit determines his relationships; his relationship determines his opportunities; his opportunities determine his relevance; his relevance determines his prosperity and his prosperity determines his significance. To set our children on a journey of significance we must be firmly committed to a developmental plan for the building of their minds. Let me say something about the WILL of man, another component of the soul.

The WILL is the decision making faculty of man. I must say that it is the information available in the mind, that produces our thoughts and it is our thoughts that rule over our WILL to produce our decision.  I think the greatest and priceless possession of a man is a well-fed and informed WILL.  Lastly on Development Rights and the subject of developing the soul, I will like to quickly dwell on the emotion. The man’s emotion is fed by his senses of sight, touch, smell, hearing, taste and lastly intuition. Our developmental plan for children must as a matter of necessity, be structured along the lines identified above, if we must bequeath to our world a complete child, prepared for every good work.

I think I am through with the mission for today. I will be with you tomorrow. Thank you and stay INSPIRED

Think the Child…Think Today…Think the Future…

POINT 2 PONDER:

‘To set our children on a journey of significance we must be firmly committed to a developmental plan for the building of their minds.’

NOTE THESE:

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Child’s Rights and Discipline: The Lost Theory (8)

Opening Charge

‘Discipline or chastisement is not an end in itself. It is both a means and an end…Discipline as a means requires a lot of work and patience. It requires extremely discipline and skill on the side of the custodians to ensure that the process goes it’s full circle and it is not truncated or tainted by abuse. Discipline as an end is the glory of the process. It is a final proof of the efficacy of discipline as a process. When discipline completes its full process, it produces disciplined children, who become the pride of the custodians.’

Hello friends and custodians, sure you are doing well. I hope found my piece on children interesting. I move very quickly today to continue our journey on child’s rights and discipline. I will share with you today the third and the fourth tested habits of a purposeful, disciplined and effective disciplinarian:

3. Set out the mission to discipline and the mission thereof:

Discipline or chastisement is not an end in itself. It is both a means and an end. I must say therefore that the custodian must understand the tenets of discipline as a means and an end. Discipline is a means because it is a process of boosting the self-image of the child. It is an end because it produces a disciplined child.

Discipline as a means requires a lot of work and patience. It requires extremely discipline and skill on the side of the custodians to ensure that the process goes it’s full circle and it is not truncated or tainted by abuse. Discipline as an end is the glory of the process. It is a final proof of the efficacy of discipline as a process. When discipline completes its full process, it produces disciplined children, who become the pride of the custodians. When a custodian considers the glory and joy of raising a disciplined child, he/she would be encouraged to do things right despite all the sacrifices involved. By disciplined child, here, I talk about a complete child, who is fit to handle the challenges of life. A disciplined child is equipped with life skills, which makes put him on top of life issues as he/she transits to adulthood. Discipline will make a responsible adult father wife, husband, leader and all.

4. Communicate to the child his interest

It is a habit of many custodians not to explain the purpose of discipline to the child. Many are too impatient to explain to the child why he or she is being disciplined. When custodians attempt to explain they do a very poor and selfish job of pointing the consequences of the child’s wrong action or omission to everyone except the child. They talk about the consequences to the family, the neighbours, the community, the school and all others concerned.

When the child sits down to consider the discipline experience, he/she does not see his/her interest protected. He /she sees that the process is not in any way for his/her benefits but the benefits of others. He does not see discipline as a tool for seeking personal change but a process he/she must endure to make everyone happy.

The child’s motivation for following the instructions, for which he/her is been chastised dwindles. This method of discipline reveals the mind of the custodians that he/she does not embark on the discipline exercise for the best interest of the child.

This method produces in the child the following two responses:

First, the child begins to lose confidence in the discipline process, becomes angry and seeks how to protect his/her own interest.

Second, the child may not understand the need for him/her to be committed to personal development or change. Where he is able to figure out the need for personal development, he/she may not see self-discipline as one of the most veritable tools for personal development. He/she may be found making every effort in the direction of personal change except taking responsibility for personal responsibility for self-discipline.

I beg to take my leave at this point. Please join me tomorrow as I continue this interesting journey. Stay INSPIRED.

I’m Taiwo Akinlami & I Lead the TeacherFIRE™ Revolution

POINT 2 PONDER:

‘I must say therefore that the custodian must understand the tenets of discipline as a means and an end. Discipline is a means because it is a process of boosting the self-image of the child. It is an end because it produced a disciplined child.’

NOTE THESE:

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Children’s Day: My Sober Reflection

It is Children’s Day in Nigeria and I woke up this morning thinking about the work the Lord committed into my hands in the last 15 years, which is ‘to bring to the very front burner of private and public conscience and consciousness the rights and responsibilities of the African child for due respect in the best interest of the child.’

I must say with all humility that I have not been disobedient to this heavenly mandate. As a matter of fact my obedience has not been without priceless sacrifices. Again no matter how sacrificial my obedience has been, I do not count it to be anything because necessity is laid upon me…woe unto me if I do not stand and defend the cause of the African child.

Why is necessity laid upon me? It is a long story but I will cut it short this way: I was a victim of child abuse. There are four ways a child could be abused, I suffered them all in abundance. As I have said at many fora, my childhood was a bountiful basket of abuses. I was abused physically in the name of disciplined. I was abused sexually as I lost my virginity at the age of 6 to a neighbour, a woman, who my mother left me with when she went to the market. I was abused emotionally as I was chastised for everything I did wrong and never commended for anything I did right.

Many abusive and wrong words were said to me. At age nine, my teacher in school had nickednamed me Satan or the devil when i lost a friend during our favourite game of tree climbing. Unknown to my handlers, they did not know that fact that for every one wrong word you say to a child, you need seventeen to correct it. I was abused by neglect. My handlers were not available to lead me. My father died at the age of 82 when I was 39, I cannot remember him sitting down to instruct me on how to handle any issue of life. I grew up with any knowledge of life skills. Unfortunately, I followed the pattern of lives of my handlers, which was not anything but disciplined.

I was on the path of destruction until age 27 when I gave my life to Christ and He began to make all the difference in my life. In my expression of gratitude to God for coming to my rescue, I answered His call to tell my story of childhood abuse, rescue and hope. I call it story, senses (principles and lessons) and stone (instructions). I accepted the responsibility that the world has a lot to learn from my story on how to train children. For me, If do not live to tell this story; I am not fit to live.

If I stop telling my story, then just know that I signed up for suicide. I am therefore not a Child’s Rights Advocate as people call me, I am a witness. I am a steward and trustee of the message of hope for a great future for our children. For me, the law is not a profession, it is a platform. I am therefore the voice of a Street Advocate, crying in the wilderness, saying give our children a hope and a future.

I am also committed to helping those who experienced one form of abuse or the other to start a new life as God helped me to. I am committed to helping them to see that they can take responsibility for their lives today and that they cannot continue to reproduce themselves in their children and others in their areas influence. The bulk must stop at their table as they must as matter of a commitment to save humanity begin a new generation. God having helped me to a good level, I can say that the task of shaking off the impact of wrong upbringing is a seemingly impossible task. It requires, first of all the help of God and the commitment of the victim to God and change.

It is in this same spirit of necessity that I write today as a life stakeholder as we ‘celebrate’ Children’s Day. Please note that I used the word, ‘celebrate’ consciously. I used it to carry you along as many of us believe we are celebrating Children’s Day. I used it more as a positive confession and not as reality.

I used it because I know that if there is anything the Nigerian Child can boldly celebrate today, it is the mercy, grace, goodness and faithfulness of God.  I make bold to say that having been on the field for the past 15 years, the Nigerian child has never been under the kind siege it is in today. The Nigerian child is troubled on every side.

In the year 2010, I began to think that the state of our nation is the state of our children. I began to say that if a nation does not have as one of its core values the dignity of human person, it will not respect the rights of any member of the citizen, including children. I began to make it clear that any advocacy for a better life for our children that is not interested in the state of our nation will not only be an exercise in woeful futility but also a grand self or public deception. We are all products of our environment. When an environment is not enabled through an effective system of respect for the dignity of human person it will not produce complete children.

What is the state of our nation today? Let me illustrate it thus: Somalia has been characterized as a failed state and is one of the poorest and most violent states in the world, having been at civil war since 1991 and has no central government control over most of the country’s territory. But do you know that life expectancy in Somalia is higher than that of Nigeria? Life expectancy in failed state Somalia is 48. 2 in general, 46.9 for men and 49.4 for women while in Nigeria general life expectancy is 46.9, men, 46.4 and women, 47.3.  Life expectancy in Sudan, which has been at war since 1955, a year before its independence in January 1, 1956 is 58.6 in general, 57.1 for men and 60.1 for men. Considering the foregoing social index, could it be that our nation is at war? I have told as many as care to listen that the abject poverty in our land is a major threat to child protection.

My charge today as we ‘celebrate’ Children’s Day is that we should take time to consider the present and the future of our nation. We must begin our consideration from asking what our personal role is in national change. It is important that we begin to be concerned about the state of our nation as the foundation to the security and welfare for our children. The truth is that we do not inherit the world from our forefather but we borrowed it from our children. In what form do we plan to return it (world) to them?  The former UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan once opined “We, the grown-ups, have failed you (children) deplorably… One in three of you has suffered from malnutrition before you turned five years old. One in four of you has not been immunized against any disease. Almost one in five of you is not attending school…. We, the grown-ups, must reverse this list of failures.”

My charge today is a call to personal change, which will translate to national change. My call today is not for you to change the world but to change your continent and if your continent is too big for you, please attempt your country. If your country is too big for you, then focus on your state and if your state becomes too big for you, then focus on your local government area. If your local government area gives you problem then focus on your ward. If your ward is too big for you then focus on your building. If your building becomes a problem, all hope is not lost; you still have your room, room and parlour, flat or duplex. If the room, room and parlour, flat or duplex is too big for you focus on your bed and if your bed is too big, please focus on your bed space and if your bed space becomes a difficult task, please focus on yourself.

The long and short of my admonition is that you are the change our nation is waiting for. The truth of the matter is that if we can be committed to personal change, we will see family and national change and great shall forever be the peace of our children.

On the final note, I invite you all to join us as we pray for the peace of our children on the Day of the African Child, June 16, 2012 at Chrisland School, Ladipo Oluwole, off Adeniyi Jones, Ikeja, Lagos from 9.30 AM.

As I sign out today I enjoin you all: Think Today…Think the Future…Think the Child…

 

 

Child’s Rights and Discipline: The Lost Theory (7)

‘I must say it here that if we do not get it right with example any attempt to instil discipline in our children will be a frustrating exercise in futility. The truth is that he that comes to equity must come with clean hands.’

Let me begin by apologising for not making it here yesterday. I would say I did my best to be here but one thing I could say that my heavy schedule thwarted me yesterday despite all my many efforts to manouver it. Please pardon me. It is the weekend and this is my last piece for the week. I am here today to express a burning passion for order in the life of the child. I will not take much of your time with too much pleasantries. I move quickly to discuss the tested habits of a purposeful, disciplined and effective disciplinarian.  Here we go:

1. Be an Example: John X. Maxwell submits, ‘a good example is worth a thousand sermons. What you do have more impact on your child than all the lectures you could give.’ Long before John X Maxwell, Abraham Lincoln had aptly concluded, ‘there is but one way to train a child the way he should go, and that is to travel it yourself.’

The beginning of discipline is example. The most effective type of leadership is modelling. It is the lifestyle of the custodians that he/she has the legitimacy to demand that the child. The child is a master at observing his/her environment and forming his/her behaviour from there.  Environment is created by adult and adults create after their kind. It is in this light I discuss the three attributes of an exceedingly effective custodian: mentoring, modelling, and moulding.

I must say that mentoring answers to wisdom and time. Custodians of the life the child must combine wisdom with time in their interaction. If the custodians have wisdom and they do not have time, there wisdom is useless. If they have time and they do not have wisdom, their presence is useless. Wisdom here refers to knowledge of child development. Mentoring must teach values and lay the ground rules and codes of behavior in the home. Modelling, simply answers to our lifestyle. As we have established, children follow our examples. The last attributes of an exceedingly effective custodian is moulding. It simply means that the impact of mentoring and modelling is moulding. Moulding here speaks of the custodians’ sense of mission of the custodians.

I must say it here that if we do not get it right with example any attempt to instil discipline in our children will be a frustrating exercise in futility. The truth is that he that comes to equity must come with clean hands. Our legitimacy to discipline our children derives from our ability to demonstrate to our children the words we speak with our mouths.

2. Reach out to God: discipline of a child is aided greatly by the wisdom of God. It must be stated here God rules in the affairs and He is the creator of our children. He always knows the right burtons to instruct us to press in the psyche of the child in the process of upbringing. A sage said to a group of people, ‘your children shall be taught of the Lord and great shall be the peace of your children.’  This simply means that for the peace of our children to be complete, they will have to be taught of God. The truth is that God will not come to down to train our children, He expects us to look unto Him for direction in this area.

We have 23 more habits to discuss, but I think I should allow us to take time to meditate on the foregoing habits and internalise them as we get into the weekend. I wish you the best of the weekend. Do have an INSPIRED weekend.

I’m Taiwo Akinlami & I Lead the TeacherFIRE™ Revolution

POINT 2 PONDER:

‘A sage said to a group of people, ‘your children shall be taught of the Lord and great shall be the peace of your children.’  This simply means that for the peace of our children to be complete, they will have to be taught of God.’

NOTE THESE:

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Child’s Rights and Discipline: The Lost Theory (6)

‘Painfully, I have found that in this part of the world, we are always more concerned about methods than motive when it comes to discipline of children. May I announce to you with all due respect that MOTIVE is superior to METHOD? May I also announce to us that except we are established in motive, we can never get the method right? One thing I am very sure of is that when we are grounded in motive, the child will be protected from abuse… Unfortunately today, in our society there are many child abusers, who are referred to as disciplinarians because of the prevailing ignorance of the society on the real meaning of discipline…’

Hello friends: Thank you for joining me today. I am glad we are making progress on the journey to take our children into a glorious future through the tool of discipline. I strongly believe that if we get discipline rights, the rate of abuse of children will be reduced. The truth of the matter is that in most cases, parents and custodians set out to discipline but because, they are not informed, they end up abusing the child.

I am sure many people are wondering why I have not discussed methods of discipline like applying the cane and the rest of it. Many are wondering when I am going to address the question they have been waiting for: should we apply the cane or not. As a Child’s Rights Advocate, at what point do we apply the cane and where is the thin line between abuse and discipline? Friends, it will be my pleasure to disappoint you this one time.  Painfully, I have found that in this part of the world, we are always more concerned about methods than motive when it comes to discipline of children. May I announce to you with all due respect that MOTIVE is superior to METHOD?

Discussing whether to apply the cane or not is a distraction to our discussion. It is nothing but putting the cart before the horse. It is a complete waste of time and energy. In short it is a huge exercise in misplacement of priority.  May I also announce to us that except we are established in motive, we can never get the method right? In other words, except, we understand the workings of the motive of discipline, we will never have the discipline of engaging and executing methods of discipline of children.

In this series, I have refused to join the bandwagon of those who discuss method before motive is established. As a matter of fact, let me announce to the disappointment of many, I will not address method here. As far as I am concerned, it is over-logged. My mission is to get you grounded in motive. One thing I am very sure of is that when we are grounded in motive, the child will be protected from abuse.  Soundness of MOTIVE will always automatically moderate method in the best interest of the child.

Yesterday I had a slip of the pen when I wrote as follows: ‘Join me tomorrow as I began to share 10 steps that must be taken towards effective discipline of a child.’ Please pardon the slip. I meant to write 25 steps. As matter of fact they are not steps, they are habits of true and purposeful disciplinarians. The truth is that once you abuse the child, you are no more a disciplinarian but an abuser of the child. Unfortunately today, in our society there are many child abusers, who are referred to as disciplinarian because of the prevailing ignorance of the society on the real meaning of discipline. Please join me tomorrow as I begin to share with you the tested habits of a purposeful, disciplined and effective disciplinarian.

See you tomorrow and stay INSPIRED and FIRED-UP.

I’m Taiwo Akinlami & I Lead the TeacherFIRE™ Revolution

POINT 2 PONDER:

‘Soundness of MOTIVE will always automatically moderate method in the best interest of the child.’

NOTE THESE:

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