IS A FEMALE JUDGE A MALE OR FEMALE?

Welcome on board. This is Vital Obiter, the diary of a daring roving Public Interest.

This forum is ordained before the world took off. Someone may say, ‘are you trying to say, you have existed before the world began?’ Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. I am a creation of Almighty God; He existed before the world began and I was alive and kicking in Him and in me was Vital Obiter alive, well and bubbling.

Before you accuse me of bringing theology into strictly legal matters, I urge you to remember that we are learned men. And what this simply means is that lawyers know a little of everything. In this fact lies our uniqueness.

I have decided not to keep you in suspense today. I actually woke up on the serious side of the bed today. So, I may disappoint those who have already deposited money at an orthopaedic hospital in case of cracked ribs that may result from the perusal of this page.

Note that by this I am not saying you should go and collect your money back. You may just need the services of an orthopaedic surgeon next week. Or who knows, it may even be before the end of this piece. The only permanent thing I know in life is change and if there is anything I am as sure as the colour of my skin, it is that on this august page, anything can happen!

Halt! Enough opata, lest we finally offend the sensibilities and abuse the patience of those who are already asking, ‘what is the big mouth up to again this time around?’ Well, I am up to law and gender issues. This is my story:

I did my secondary school in my hometown, Ondo. Saint Joseph’s College to be precise. Having spent many years in the city of Lagos and Abuja, I decided to go back home for my court attachment.

At least it was a season of reunion with my aged parents and maternal grand mum, who fervently looked forward to my becoming a lawyer.

We were attached to the court of a wonderful judge. He would invite us to his chambers at the end of every day to teach us the practical aspects of the law as they related to the day’s proceedings in court. His lordship is a female judge. But you know that in our noble profession, there is no gender. Sorry there is no female. It is the only profession, where men marry men, men get pregnant, and men baby-sit. Men do everything a woman can do.

I can hear a journalist saying, ‘we have neither gender nor female too.’ Well that is an after thought. The legal profession is the oldest profession on earth. So if that be the case we were the first to address gender issue and resolved it in favour of the male gender. Once you are initiated into the profession you are cloned into the male specie of man. Or has it not occurred to you that the matter could have been resolved in favour of the female gender? Well, that is a symposium discussion for another day.

Now, back to my court attachment story, there is this yearly festival in my hometown, called odun moke. It is celebrated for twins. The highlight of the festival day is that females are not allowed to come out on the streets. In this particular year the festival fell on working day. The question was, would his lordship seat? Why was it the question? The answer is clear to everyone, who had followed this piece keenly. Here was his lordship, a female in a profession that says all are men. Here was the tradition of our people that says women must not come out on a particular day? His lordship needed a decision. If he decides to sit, he would offend tradition and if she abandons the seat of justice he would not be true to his professional calling, particularly when the State or the Federal Government was not magnanimous enough to declare odun moko day a public holiday.

Now, before I tell you on a later date what his lordship did in the dicey and precarious situation, please send me a mail on what you would do if you find yourself in his lordship unenviable shoes.

Here is your Dearly Beloved Roving Public Lawyer, Taiwo AKINLAMI