#HomilyFromThePew

Ladies and gentlemen, let us rise and give a standing ovation to the great Nnamdi Azikiwe University (UNIZIK), named after one of Nigeria’s greatest nationalists, a founding father, the Owele of Onitsha himself. Surely, from his heavenly abode, he must now be swelling with pride, watching his namesake institution finally live up to his legacy.

No honor in his lifetime could have matched what was bestowed upon him last week when UNIZIK cemented its place in history with its no-nonsense stance on discipline and justice. I am certain that Owele has since convened an emergency celestial meeting with Chief Obafemi Awolowo, Sir Ahmadu Bello, and other nationalists, co-tenants of God himself, to pop champagne in celebration of this glorious moment.

For in a country where legal proceedings crawl like a snail on a cold morning, UNIZIK has worked a miracle, an act of judicial efficiency so divine that it borders on the supernatural. The entire Nigerian judiciary must now bow in reverence, behold, the new standard of justice! The Supreme Court, EFCC, and even the Chief Justice of Nigeria should embark on a pilgrimage to UNIZIK to study this phenomenon of instant accountability. The Senate convened, decisions were made, and punishment was dispensed, all within record time.

Oh, what glory!

The nation must recognize UNIZIK’s landmark achievement. By expelling a single dangerous outlaw, a rogue undergraduate who dared sink her rebellious teeth into the esteemed flesh of an all-holy lecturer, the university has restored all moral order. Nigeria is now, officially, the most disciplined nation on earth. The entire world must take note—Guinness World Records, this is your moment!

A University Now Cleansed of All Indiscipline

By this singular, historic action, UNIZIK has eradicated all forms of student misconduct. No more exam malpractice. No more sexual harassment by lecturers. No more missing scripts, extortion, or academic victimization. The university has now entered the sacred realm of sainthood, a shining city upon a hill, untouched by the corruption that plagues lesser institutions. The Vice Chancellor and the Senate members deserve papal sainthood, His Holiness the Pope must intervene immediately.

Let us also commend the fierce warriors of morality, the online crusaders, and the gallant keyboard warriors who rallied like an army of righteousness. With unmatched valor, they took to the internet, demanding swift retribution. You were relentless, you fought hard, you achieved the impossible—you have saved Nigeria from moral decay by ensuring that this one singular menace to society is punished.

Your resilience in upholding selective justice must not go unrewarded. A Nobel Prize in Justice and Discipline is long overdue. The United Nations, UNESCO, UNICEF, and the International Criminal Court must take note, such brilliance must be enshrined in global history.

 A Nation Now Perfect, A Youth Now Reformed

And now, let us rejoice, for Nigeria has finally raised the best-behaved youth on earth! Thanks to this monumental act of justice, we have successfully reformed an entire generation. Iceland, Sweden, and Singapore must now send delegations to Nigeria to study our youth model.

Young people, take note! This is the new golden rule: One error equals eternal condemnation. There is no room for redemption, no space for mistakes. A single moment of imperfection shall be met with executive force, judicial precision, and public disgrace.

No, dear undergraduates, your society does not reflect you, you are not a product of your environment. You descended from heaven, fully formed, without the influence of any societal failure. If, for any reason, you stray from this divine expectation, you shall be discarded like waste.

Let this be a lesson to all students: If you make a mistake, do not expect fairness. Do not expect a system that weighs all factors or considers context. No, expect swift, public execution, and count yourself lucky if they don’t charge you with attempted murder for biting a lecturer.

A Job Well Done, A Nation Transformed

Congratulations, Nigeria! With one disciplinary action, we have transformed our entire nation. We did it! We achieved what no one else could. In one week, we changed the moral trajectory of an entire generation. The world must bow in awe.

Bravo, UNIZIK! Bravo, Nigeria! And to all our righteous executioners, take a bow, you have made history.

#MinistryofClarity