What Three Decades of Family Law Practice and Related Field Experience Have Taught Me About Human Imperfection, Family Values and the Danger of Judging Others
HOMILYFROMTHEPEW
There is much conversation about families today.
Bereavement. Burial disputes. Divorce. Remarriage. Inheritance. Estrangement. The private lives of families becoming public arguments.
Suddenly, everybody has a verdict. Everybody knows what those families should have done.
But why do we speak as though our own families are perfect?
THE PERFECT FAMILY IS A LIE.
In nearly three decades of legal practice in family law, education and child safeguarding, I have encountered hundreds of families. My mental, physical and professional notes are full.
Two conclusions stand out: no two families are alike, and no family is perfect.
Why? Because there are no perfect human beings.
The human heart does not possess the capacity for flawless perfection. We love and sacrifice; we also misunderstand, disappoint and make mistakes. We cannot build perfect families out of imperfect people. Neither can we build perfect organisations.
EVERY FAMILY HAS ITS IMPERFECTIONS. NOT EVERY FAMILY HAS ITS IMPERFECTIONS MADE PUBLIC.
Some households manage their differences privately. Others see theirs exposed. Publicity is not proof that one family is worse; privacy is not evidence that another is better.
Every family has its triggers: death, money, inheritance, succession, perceived exclusion, changing relationships, unresolved grievances.
What appears sudden to outsiders may have been developing for years.
A FAMILY’S IMPERFECTION DOES NOT BEGIN WHEN THE CAMERAS ARRIVE.
I have seen crises in polygamous and monogamous homes.
One man. One wife. One child.
The father died, and the child took the mother to court.
I have seen parents disown children and children disown parents; families devastated by suicide; parents who believed they had done everything right watching their children choose another path. I have seen painful conflicts in deeply religious homes.
But I have also observed what sometimes keeps a family together.
THE MATURITY OF ONE PERSON.
That person may be the father, mother, eldest child, youngest child or someone with no recognised position.
Someone decides not to retaliate. Not to escalate. Not to insist on the last word. Someone chooses wisdom over ego.
Maturity has nothing to do with title.
Proverbs 15:18 reminds us that a person who is slow to anger can calm conflict.
SOMETIMES, WHAT THE WORLD CALLS A PEACEFUL FAMILY IS SIMPLY A FAMILY IN WHICH SOMEONE HAS CHOSEN TO BE MATURE.
Of course, maturity does not mean concealing abuse or surrendering dignity. At times, it requires speaking up and insisting on accountability.
Where I come from, we say, “Ahọ́n àti ẹnu máa ń jà” (the tongue and the mouth do fight).
The tongue is an inseparable tenant of the mouth, yet sometimes, they do not get along well.
But would the tongue ask to be released from the mouth? Or would the mouth serve the tongue a quit notice?
Closeness does not abolish conflict, and conflict does not necessarily mean there is enmity.
It is a fact of life.
SCRIPTURE DOES NOT PRETEND OTHERWISE.
The first family lost its home in Eden after Adam and Eve disobeyed God (Genesis 3). Cain later murdered Abel (Genesis 4).
Abraham, the father of faith, experienced painful conflict involving Sarah, Hagar and Ishmael (Genesis 16; 21).
Isaac and Rebekah favoured different sons; deception and estrangement followed (Genesis 25:28; 27).
Jacob’s household knew jealousy; his sons sold Joseph into slavery (Genesis 37).
David’s household experienced sexual violence, murder and rebellion (2 Samuel 13–18). Samuel’s sons did not walk in his ways (1 Samuel 8:1–3).
THE BIBLE DOES NOT HIDE THE IMPERFECTIONS OF THE FAMILIES THROUGH WHOM GOD WORKED.
And faith does not confer immunity from crisis.
Paul spoke of being caught up to the third heaven (2 Corinthians 12:2–4). Yet he also described a thorn in his flesh and God’s answer:
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” — 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV)
The same Paul endured dangers from robbers, his own countrymen and false brethren, among other hardships (2 Corinthians 11:23–27).
CHRISTIANITY IS NOT A PROMISE OF A CRISIS-FREE LIFE.
Neither is wealth, education, good parenting or a respected family name.
Jesus Himself spoke of conflict within households arising from allegiance to Him (Matthew 10:35–36).
So what are we preparing our children for?
Not a world without storms.
I tell parents:
WE HAVE AUTHORITY OVER OUR CHILDREN, NOT DOMINION.
We use authority to communicate and model values, not to control every future choice. Children grow, become adults and encounter circumstances we cannot predict.
AUTHORITY IS TRANSIENT. VALUES ARE ETERNAL.
Jesus spoke of two houses, one built on rock and one on sand (Matthew 7:24–27).
The rain fell. The floods came. The winds blew against both.
THE STORM CAME TO BOTH HOUSES. THE FOUNDATION MADE THE DIFFERENCE.
Build on character, wisdom, dignity, accountability and respect. Build systems too: family constitutions, estate plans, succession arrangements, conflict-resolution mechanisms and sound governance for family businesses.
But build in humility. No programme or structure can eliminate the unpredictability of human choices.
A SYSTEM IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR CHARACTER.
Paul speaks of God’s ability to do exceedingly abundantly above what we ask or think, according to His power working within us (Ephesians 3:20, NKJV).
That raises a question worth carrying into our households:
WHAT IS WORKING WITHIN US?
What values shape our response when money is contested, relationships become strained or death changes everything?
WHAT HAPPENS TO US MATTERS. WHO WE ARE SHAPES HOW WE RESPOND.
And before we judge a family whose imperfections become public, remember what we may not know: years of conversations, disappointments, sacrifices and attempts at reconciliation before the cameras arrived.
This does not excuse wrongdoing. Abuse and injustice demand accountability. But accountability is not the same as self-righteous condemnation.
Galatians 6:1 (NKJV) urges those who are spiritual to restore someone overtaken in wrongdoing with gentleness, while remaining mindful of their own vulnerability to temptation.
CONSIDERING OURSELVES.
And 1 Corinthians 10:12 warns:
“Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.” (NKJV)
I do not have a perfect family. Nobody does.
When I look at my wife, my son and the home we are building, my experience humbles me. It calls me to examine our foundations, not boast about our supposed immunity from life’s uncertainties.
Another family’s public imperfections should be a mirror for our own self-examination, not a platform for moral superiority.
SO WHERE SHOULD WE DRAW THE LINE BETWEEN HOLDING PEOPLE ACCOUNTABLE FOR WRONGDOING AND TURNING THEIR FAMILY’S IMPERFECTIONS INTO A PUBLIC SPECTACLE?
LET COMPASSION PRECEDE CONDEMNATION.
LET HUMILITY GUIDE JUDGMENT.
AND LET US BUILD PEOPLE WHO CAN MEET LIFE’S STORMS WITH CHARACTER.
A word is enough for the wise.
Shalom.
Enlightenment is Superior to Enforcement®
Follower of Christ. Husband. Father.
Egalitarian. No-Judgment Zone Advocate. Goodwill Investor. Rebel with a Cause. Thriver. Culture-Led Family Strengthening Education and Child Safeguarding Attorney, Pioneer and Innovator. Value-Based Parenting Ideologue. Three Decades in the Saddle.
